Bright Floral Pants Are Still Bad

When it comes to wearing floral pants, I’m generally of the opinion that it’s a terrible idea. They can go from fashion-forward to grandmotherly before you can say “Sound of Music”.

But when they’re a bright, and by bright I mean verging on neon, floral print, I just get all confused. It’s not really grandmotherly, but I still think it’s a bad idea to have prints on your pants.

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Met Gala Delusions Part One: The Stella Cometh

In theory, the Met Gala’s theme was “From Chaos to Couture” and it was all about the punk movement in fashion. This is vaguely legitimate, although I think it is a bit a pile of crap since punk fashion is about having nothing and making something out of it. It’s about challenging the status quo and pushing boundaries beyond what the established Fashion Houses would tell us, and while I can get behind that (though not for my personal style), it is a bit silly to the have the Met Gala themed after it. I mean, it seems completely contradictory to have Anna Wintour in custom Chanel celebrating the punk movement. Over the next several days, we’ll be appreciating the people who got it all wrong (and didn’t wear Vivienne Westwood or Givenchy).

Now, this was tough for me, because punk-influenced fashion is not something I would normally get behind, but I can also really appreciate themed dressing for such a big event. There is a time and place to go big or go home on the fashion front, and that time is definitely the Met Gala. Over the next several days we’ll be discussing those who 1) missed the theme and 2) still looked like assholes, and I will attempt to group them logically.

So, here’s a short list of who I liked before we proceed to people who were unfortunate enough to wear Stella McCartney.

-Madonna in Givenchy. She committed to the theme, and I can appreciate that.

-Miley Cyrus in Marc Jacobs for the same reason. I may be hallucinating that I typed that.

-Florence Welch in Givenchy. Clearly this is the time and place for Givenchy.

-Jennifer Lawrence for being Jennifer Lawrence (in Dior). It wasn’t punk, but it was fabulous.

-Hailee Steinfeld in adorable, age-appropriate, yet still full of safety pins Donna Karan.

-There were more, but it’s late and I can’t be bothered.

And now, the disasters.

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Mish-moshed Trends? No, Thank You

Recently Dolce and Gabanna featured a lot of dresses and skirts with faces on them. This may have trickled down further, but since I am not Anna Wintour or whatever Meryl Streep’s character in The Devil Wears Prada’s character’s name was, I do not know where. But Dolce has prominently involved faces recently, particularly in the skirt department.

That’s all fine, although a bit awkward in the faces-on-skirts department. The bigger problem is that Audrey Tatou has combined faces-on-skirts or murals-on-skirts in this case with see-through lace and a bra.

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Is Menswear Inspired Another Word For Badly Fitted?

I realize it’s a bit boldly stated, but really.  I like that Fashion likes to bend the rules and play with gender norms, and believe me, I am thrilled as ever that I can choose to wear a suit and look like a badass.  But my suit has been tailored.  It doesn’t look the same way on my body as if I borrowed N’s, because N’s suit would be much too long and much too tight in some places and too baggy in others.  It wouldn’t work.  There needs to be translation and dialogue based on the basic differences in men’s and women’s bodies.  There also needs to be a degree of logic to it.

Back in the day, when men tended to wear hosiery and either short pants or robes and tunics, they tended to wear shoes with a bit of a heel to them.  There are famous portraits of Louis XIV and George II both wearing heels.

I bring this up because when men wore shorter pants or skirts, they didn’t pair them with flat, clunky heeled loafers.  Vogue’s taken it into it’s head that this is now a  brilliant idea, since a  bunch of designers showed flat, clunky shoes with their collections, so they did a slideshow about how excellent it is.  I disagree.

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Bad Silhouettes, Unhemmed Trousers, And Weird Prints? It Could Only Be…

Stella McCartney.

She’s baaaaaaaaaaack.

I took a nice healthy break from my rampant hatred of everything she designs.  I glanced at her Christmas or New Year’s thing where she wore one of her designs, and I didn’t immediately burst a blood vessel from fashion fury.  By my count, the Stella McCartney tag has been in disuse for over a month, which is impressive given her track record of atrocious dress, design, and inexplicable love from everyone else.

Unfortunately, the pre-fall collection is a little more standard fare when it comes to my least favorite designer.  The part that makes me sad is that I know I’ll see the rich and famous out and about in unhemmed Beetlejuice pants and boxy coats, and Vogue and Style.com and a bunch of other fashion bloggers will all oooh and ahhh and salivate like there is anything good about the above.  I, meanwhile, will sit here in my corner of appreciating good tailoring and wonder what the fashion industry is collectively smoking.

Warning: Image heavy, lots of Stella, and therefore, lots of rage.

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