An Atrocious Leggings Trifecta

I’ve been getting a higher than usual number of comments recently suggesting that my Leggings Are Not Pants belief is born of jealousy and size instead of faith in fabrics other than spandex.

Let me just clarify that here and now. I do not think that leggings are pants because they are not pants (holy tautology, Batman). They are workout gear, or something to be worn under a dress or a tunic. They are not actual pants. If something being worn as pants is so skintight you have a camel toe, they are not pants. Also, I don’t care if you are a size 2 or 32, people probably don’t actually WANT to be able to guess your measurements. And I’m going to expand that statement out–any leg covering clothing solution that is so skin-tight you get a camel toe is not a good decision.

All of this can be backed up by the following picture of three girls all wearing leggings as pants and all looking ridiculous.

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When I Think Wedding Dress, I Do Not Think Toilet Paper

The first time I ever heard the words “toilet paper” regarding a wedding dress was a few years ago and in the form of a complaint, right around the time when frothy organza ruffles were first starting to be really in. There was one that had these really interesting long lines of organza that I REALLY liked and my coworker at the time REALLY did not. I said it was interesting and in-the-moment, she said it looked like toilet paper.

But now, thanks to things like Project Runway and do-it-yourself! projects of the sort, we now have an actual wedding dress made from actual toilet paper. I am distressed, and I really, really wish it looked more like what my coworker was complaining about.

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Going Braless Is Not The New Sexy

I feel like any time a fashion magazine advocates something as “The New ____” there is at least a 60% chance that it’s a terrible idea. Brown was never going to be the new black; orange was never going to be the new pink; and visible nipples are not the new sexy.

I’m not sure the magazine in question, given that it’s the Italian magazine Grazia and I saw an article referring to it on the Daily Fail, used the phrase “Nipples are the new sexy”, but just in case they did, I’m going to come right out with it.

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Lifesplosion, And Yet, Harem Pants Are Still Atrocious

You know, I felt bad about this one. I wrote it close to my 8 a.m. deadline because I struggled with justifying this one. I also wrote it close to my deadline because once again I am in the throes of a lifesplosion.

But why is Halle Berry going out in public wearing even MORE ridiculous harem pants???

I get (though not through experience) feeling frumpy and such from being pregnant, and I get wanting to be comfortable. But Halle Berry is quite possibly one of the most beautiful women in Hollywood, and she chooses pants that were clearly stolen from 1990.

I suppose one could claim that the 90’s are aggressively back in the Fashion world, when everything is full of grungy looks that are clearly a reference to Derelicte by Mugatu, but does that really mean that harem pants need to come back? These actually look like something from Aladdin.

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Oddly Printed Leggings: Still Not Pants

This is something I don’t think I will EVER budge on. If you’re wearing something that will give you a camel toe as pants instead of actual pants (which generally speaking, will not), I will probably be secretly side-eyeing you. I will double that side-eye if they are a pattern that looks like it was ripped out of a Missoni show or a skiing sweater because it is unflattering, dizzying, and an atrocious trend that I thought we were over by now.

Isn’t fashion supposed to move forward? It feels like I’ve been seeing atrocious skiing or Missoni leggings for several seasons now, and I am not on board at all. It just doesn’t make any sense to me. Why wear something that skin tight as pants unless you want EVERYONE to be gynocologically acquainted with you? And then why make them an awful pattern on top of it? I just don’t get it, and I despair of the world.

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