I Don’t Want To Know About Gwyneth Paltrow’s Underwear

I also don’t want to know about her lack thereof.

I’d also be okay not knowing much about Gwyneth Paltrow, in part because I find her whole, “You too can have a body like mine after however many kids by following these easy at-home instructions! Hire a nanny, a personal trainer, and bathe every night in the blood of virgins and rub your skin with Himalayan were-pig butter!” Insufferable.

But I despite my dislike for her pretentious attitude, she generally does pretty well fashion-wise. I remember feeling like I was in crazytown last year watching the Oscars because she rocked the hell out of a cape, which is an absurd statement. But she looked kickass.

This is much less kickass.

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I Am Predictable

So, I was merrily browsing the Internet last night, and in a thumbnail, I saw an awkward dress. I thought to myself, “Ugh, that’s AWFUL. Why would Heather Graham wear that?”

So I clicked on it.

It’s a dress by Stella McCartney.


In my defense, it’s pretty bad. It’s not hunchbacked leopard print everything bad (few things are), but it is full of inexplicably sheer eyelet lace and I HATE dresses that seem to think that the dress can just keep going with an extra sheer layer. I also have manfully refrained from pulling out the Stella tag since Fashion Week, so I haven’t done the same thing I did in the fall and just blogged about every single thing she did because it was all unabashed crazypants.

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Sometimes I Just…What???

It’s hard to describe this next look. It’s hard to even know what to SAY about this next look.

As always, I understand counter culture looks, and there can be variations on nearly every stereotype’s standard look that are beautiful, well-done, and work. Sometimes, all it takes is enough panache to pull something wacky off (see: Helena Bonham Carter or Diane Kruger). This is something I even try to encourage in my girls at work–if they’re wearing something a little more avant garde, they need to just embrace it and love it, and they’ll pull it off. You can’t slouch your way through looking out-there, you will just look like a hot mess instead of hot.

I’m truthfully impressed I manged over 100 words before the cut, since my response to the email with this was basically, “I DON’T EVEN.”

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Going Braless Is Not The New Sexy

I feel like any time a fashion magazine advocates something as “The New ____” there is at least a 60% chance that it’s a terrible idea. Brown was never going to be the new black; orange was never going to be the new pink; and visible nipples are not the new sexy.

I’m not sure the magazine in question, given that it’s the Italian magazine Grazia and I saw an article referring to it on the Daily Fail, used the phrase “Nipples are the new sexy”, but just in case they did, I’m going to come right out with it.

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Is This A Nightgown Or A Dress?

Sometimes, with that whole sheer lace thing being stylish, certain problems arise. These problems are even more absurd when the dress is shaped like a nightgown with a gigantic slit up the center.

Center slits are awkward anyway, since I would estimate that 90% of people wearing a dress with one come distressingly close to flashing the universe. This one comes distressingly close to flashing the universe, AND the lace is mostly see-through. I’m not okay with that, and I am also very over the sheer lace trend. It’s been done too much and by too many. Can’t we move on, Fashion World?

Anyway, here is Faith Hill at the American Country Music Awards, nearly flashing the world in a Chado Ralph Rucci (WHO? I have a vicious headache and so cannot be bothered to google it.) dress/nightgown.

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