When I Think Wedding Dress, I Do Not Think Toilet Paper

The first time I ever heard the words “toilet paper” regarding a wedding dress was a few years ago and in the form of a complaint, right around the time when frothy organza ruffles were first starting to be really in. There was one that had these really interesting long lines of organza that I REALLY liked and my coworker at the time REALLY did not. I said it was interesting and in-the-moment, she said it looked like toilet paper.

But now, thanks to things like Project Runway and do-it-yourself! projects of the sort, we now have an actual wedding dress made from actual toilet paper. I am distressed, and I really, really wish it looked more like what my coworker was complaining about.

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Once Upon A Time, I Forgot To Come Up With A Title

The first full week of May is glorious. The Kentucky Derby is followed immediately by the Met Gala (which is tonight, fyi. There’s a live-stream of the red carpet that I will probably be vaguely surly about missing while at work). So first we have the best hat wearing day in America followed by Fashion’s biggest night. I can hardly wait to see everyone badly dressed like punks. It should be amazing in every way.

But before we are inundated with me loudly complaining about the stupidity of five-figure punk outfits, let’s take a moment to appreciate the follies of real, normal people who have actually worn floral jumpsuits in public.

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Leopard Print O.D.

If leopard print is like scotch, this is alcohol poisoning.

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Pattern Clashing.

Deliberately clashing one color or pattern against another is something Vogue has been trying to convince me to do for about the last year or so. Being more about personal style than Fashion, I have mostly treated this advice with the raised eyebrow of suspicion.

But I also believe that fashion trickles down. It’s like trickle down economics or that monologue from Devil Wears Prada: everything eventually filters down from the runway into actual ready to wear into cheaper knock offs into something you find at Kohl’s. ¬†So what one day Diane Kruger is wearing, making me think, “Do I love it or hate it? And does it really matter, because she is working it?”, I may eventually be wearing something extremely derivative of.

Unfortunately, this is not always a good thing.

I may also be giving this guy too much credit.

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Sometimes I Just…What???

It’s hard to describe this next look. It’s hard to even know what to SAY about this next look.

As always, I understand counter culture looks, and there can be variations on nearly every stereotype’s standard look that are beautiful, well-done, and work. Sometimes, all it takes is enough panache to pull something wacky off (see: Helena Bonham Carter or Diane Kruger). This is something I even try to encourage in my girls at work–if they’re wearing something a little more avant garde, they need to just embrace it and love it, and they’ll pull it off. You can’t slouch your way through looking out-there, you will just look like a hot mess instead of hot.

I’m truthfully impressed I manged over 100 words before the cut, since my response to the email with this was basically, “I DON’T EVEN.”

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