Awkward Tights And Uggs

Awkward patterned tights–or pantyhose–with Uggs are awful in every way.

I’m anti-patterned pants, tights, leggings, or pantyhose anyway, since I tend to be anti print anyway when it comes to pants. It’s too busy visually, and depending on the cut, can make the wearer look shorter and/or wider. At the very least, it draws a weird attention to the wearer’s legs. Printed pantyhose that are otherwise sheer just give a look of uncomfortable skin diseases, something no one should ever, ever aspire to in their sartorial choices.

You should also never, ever pair a going out outfit, even one with a denim skirt and printed tights, with Ugg boots.

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Going Back To My Roots

If by roots, I mean fully visible thong, then it is in fact that time. I have an inbox full of butts which I’ve been ignoring out of a mixture of horror and Fashiony goodness.

I very nearly used the phrase “Inbox full of butts” while ranting about one of my favorite topics, that of “Tights aren’t pants, damnit.” I backed it all up with visual evidence, but decided that claiming I have an inbox full of butts would raise more questions than it would answer.

This picture very nearly traumatized me, and I think did J & T who were sitting next to me. Jesus.

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Yes, Redheads Can Wear Pink, But No One Should Wear This Color

Okay.

I went off about this at work the other day, since someone was trying to claim that redheads can’t wear red or pink. I actually used Jessica Chastain and her glorious Alexander McQueen gown from the SAGs as an example of just how good redheads look in red, and Emma Stone at the Met Gala was my example of how to be a redhead in pink.

But no one, and I do mean no one, should wear a vaguely pink-ish beige.  That color is the purview of the frumpiest of frumpy muumuus and the mumsiest of the mother of the bride pantsuits. Or to put it another way, that mess is the color of anything Hillary Clinton wore in the 90’s, which should never be repeated.

So why would Jessica Chastain, who is incredibly beautiful, wear something this awkwardly fitted and in a color that washes her out as badly as a painting in a storm of acetone?

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Man Uggs Are Just As Bad As Girl Uggs

It’s common knowledge that I think Ugg boots may be the worst footwear decision you can make.  They are stumpy, flat-footed, awkward messes, and I have never been so sad that my phone was out of battery life the other day when I got in an elevator with a girl wearing capri pants and Uggs.  There was a solid inch of skin in between Ugg and pants, and it was a terrible, terrible thing.  It was also somewhere in the vicinity of minus 1000 degrees, so I had no understanding of how she wasn’t huddled in a corner, shivering.  I certainly was, and I was wearing three shirts.

This time last year (well, this time last year plus a month or so), I was contemplating the challenges of staying at least moderately well-dressed while huddling in a corner for warmth.  I mostly subscribe to the layer and wear long socks school of thought, but some people go for Uggs. They should feel bad about that decision since there are occasions for snow boots, and there are occasions for regular boots, but the two should not be confused.

Acceptable occasions for fur-lined stubby boots:

1) There is snow on the ground.

2) It is actively snowing.

3) There is inclement weather of the winter variety.

If the weather is not any of the above, wear real shoes or boots that have styling that wasn’t done by a five year old.

Just in case you haven’t seen enough people wearing awkward stubby boots, here is a guy proving that Uggs or similar are just as bad of a decision for them:

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Sometimes, Less Is More

I’m a big advocate of “less is more.”  I would describe pretty much my whole style aesthetic as very much “less is more.”  You don’t need to throw a thousand trendy things into one outfit to look stylish.  Sticking with simple, clean lines is much more visually pleasing than taking every single trend and throwing them at a single look.

I’m actually going to break my normal pattern of hate and attempt to offer some coherent advice.  Particularly when it comes to a lot of spring’s intense, visually loud trends (color-blocking, peplums (which IS a word, Internet, so stop with the judgmental red squiggly line!!), mismatched prints, cut-outs, all-over prints, etc), pick one, MAYBE two of those items, and then stop.  In fact, just stop after one, see how it looks, and then if you’re feeling brave, get a cut-out printed dress with a peplum and a fishtail hem and see if you have the chutzpah to pull it off.  Fact: no one does.  Not you, and not Kerry Washington, who tried it first so you won’t.

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