A Literary Fashion Statement, Followed By Some Wallpaper Trousers

Happy 200th Post.

What you choose to read in public says something about who you are as a person.  For instance, if you are reading Proust on the subway, people may assume you are pretentious.  If you’re reading Twilight on the bus, people may assume that you will die alone with your thousand cats.

I automatically assume that anyone reading 50 Shades of Grey in public has the intelligence of a dead squirrel and the taste of a dead squirrel.

It’s something I’ve seen a lot of and not photographed, mostly because I was usually too busy judging the living daylights out of anyone with a copy in their hands.  Frankly, it’s about as appropriate as reading Playboy in public, and no sensible dude would ever run about showing off to his friends that he’s reading Playboy in the middle of dinner.  Whereas I have friends who have proudly shown me their copies of that hot mess.  I have proudly told them that they’re reading Twilight fanfiction and that I might have to not speak to them anymore.

My point on this front is that if you’re treating a book as a fashion accessory as people have treated 50 Shades of Grey, you should consider the message you’re sending.  That book sends a really gross message, not just because it’s full of sex, but also because it treats women as objects and has the sexual politics of a Viking invasion.

That is your fashion advice for the day.  I will now make fun of Stella McCartney.

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Minidress + No Common Sense = Hello Yellow Thong

I do not have a picture of the “Hello, Yellow Thong” moment.  Please weigh in on whether or not you are disappointed by this.  I personally am thankful, because I needed eye-bleach enough the first time.

Yesterday, I gallivanted about Boston with my mother, where I saw many, many purses that resulted in vicious handbag envy, but more atrocious outfits, some of which I was quick enough with the camera for.  This one took effort, since she was sitting behind me, but my God, was her dress unflattering and far too short for the situation.

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Kentucky Derby 2012: When Hats Go Too Far

My original title was boring.  Now it sounds like a Daily Fail expose about the dangers of wearing enormous hats at weddings or Royal Ascot, or a horror film about an anthropomorphic hat that tries to kill people.

I think I would watch that.  I also think one of the hats in this post may be that hat.

Okay, confession time.

I LOVE hats.  N makes fun of me all the time in department stores, since if there is ever anything resembling a hat section, I have to go try them all on.  I don’t know where this love stemmed from, but I can’t help it.  I love hats.  Last year I got up at the ass of dawn (5:30?) to watch the Royal Wedding live because so help me God, I had to see the hats.  It did not disappoint.  That toilet seat/pretzel thing Beatrice wore had all the markings of a hat made by Lady Gaga’s milliner, and even as I made fun of it, I loved it.

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Camel Toe City

I make frequent references to camel toe as seen in skintight trousers/leggings/shorts, because it is a tragic look.  Having a camel toe simultaneously says, “My pants are too tight” and “My vagina can’t breathe.”  This is a problem in many, many ways, not the least because at the very least, skinny jeans can lead to a whole host of fun health problems, such as yeast and bladder infections.  Having HAD the latter once, I can tell you: DO NOT WANT.  If skinny jeans cause that, what the hell are jeggings and other monstrosities going to cause?!

Yet skintight (or voluminous, but nothing in between) pantaloons continue to be in vogue.  But as long as there are skintight outfits, there will be camel toes.  Let this picture of Mariah Carey be a warning to you:

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A Friday Special Part Deux: Updated Delusion and Sarcastic Commentary

Once upon a time, and by once upon a time I mean a week ago, I made nasty commentary on an obviously homemade dress prominently featuring Taylor Lautner’s face wreathed in flames for no discernible reason.  I received many horrified comments on facebook, including the observation that there appeared to be some sort of weird blue other half to the dress, followed by a lot of mockery about the heavy handed attempt at symbolism in the Twilight books.

This is what was then sent my way.

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