This Coat Is Unbearable

I feel like you all should know that I agonized over the title for this post, since I have a love/hate relationship with puns.  I love them, but it is a truth universally acknowledged that they are all terrible.

Also, since we’ve done a lot of heavier, Fashiony posts lately, I feel it’s time to go back to the weird things otherwise normal people wear for a bit before I go back to shouting about whatever goes down the runways in New York, London, Milan and Paris.

Now, this time of year, there are parties and home functions. You might be having a super bowl party.  You might be preparing for an Oscar party, or  just having people over for scotch and snacks.  If people are coming over and it is not a themed party, it is the time to present yourself well.  For instance, N and I usually run about scouring the house and dress to impress, even if it’s just friends we’ve known for ages coming over.  If we ever have a housewarming party, it’s a guarantee that we (and the house) will be spotless.

Here is a man in a bear coat at a housewarming party.

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Is Menswear Inspired Another Word For Badly Fitted?

I realize it’s a bit boldly stated, but really.  I like that Fashion likes to bend the rules and play with gender norms, and believe me, I am thrilled as ever that I can choose to wear a suit and look like a badass.  But my suit has been tailored.  It doesn’t look the same way on my body as if I borrowed N’s, because N’s suit would be much too long and much too tight in some places and too baggy in others.  It wouldn’t work.  There needs to be translation and dialogue based on the basic differences in men’s and women’s bodies.  There also needs to be a degree of logic to it.

Back in the day, when men tended to wear hosiery and either short pants or robes and tunics, they tended to wear shoes with a bit of a heel to them.  There are famous portraits of Louis XIV and George II both wearing heels.

I bring this up because when men wore shorter pants or skirts, they didn’t pair them with flat, clunky heeled loafers.  Vogue’s taken it into it’s head that this is now a  brilliant idea, since a  bunch of designers showed flat, clunky shoes with their collections, so they did a slideshow about how excellent it is.  I disagree.

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Is Skirt Off Sick???

I was torn between Mean Girls and Bridget Jones’s Diary references for the title, because while it does involve Amanda Seyfried (There’s a sixty percent chance that your skirt is completely see-through), I love a classic, “You appear to have forgotten your skirt. Is skirt off sick?”

Now, I realize she is very busy and important, and I am an angry person in the middle of nowhere who does not understand why wearing a see-through nightie and some underwear is socially acceptable if you’re on the A-list. It would seem like a questionable decision.

It’s also been going on for WAY too long.  I don’t know why these delightfully bonkers dresses that can go down a runway without a lining (kind of) then end up on a red carpet in the same state.  There is nothing cute about seeing everyone’s underwear. It may be “hot” in the now, but if the men started running around on the red carpet in things that revealing, there would be some serious pearl clutching going on from a lot of people.

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Side Boob Isn’t Sexy

So, last night was the Screen Actor’s Guild Awards, which are mostly known for not being the Oscars or the Golden Globes.  But since the SAGs are the actor’s guild awards, it tends to have a high focus on the actors and then at least in part what they’re wearing.  We’ll get to the atrocious sideboob, don’t worry.

As is usual with these awards/major couture moments posts, I have a good list and a naughty list.  Tina Fey is getting presents (and awards!), and Michelle Dockery is getting coal.

So who did well? In no particular order…

1.) Tina Fey in Oscar de la Renta.  Safe, elegant, retro-fabulous hair.

2.) JESSICA CHASTAIN in McQueen.  I’m so happy she’s on this list, since when she’s on, she’s phenomenal.  But most of the time, I’m disappointed.

3.) Kerry Washington in Rodarte.  It’s bonkers but cool and flattering, instead of just bonkers.  Well done.

4.) Kelly Osbourne in Jenny Packham.  I still hate her purple hair, but I liked her dress.

That’s really it.  I was underwhelmed by a lot of people and disappointed in more.

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Heidi Klum Forgot Half Her Dress

In a fact that does not bode well for the subsequent fifteen weeks, I’m writing this at one a.m.  Admittedly, I spent the evening learning how to be manly from James May (always good) and snuggling with N instead of doing any research whatsoever on what I was going to write about.  So, well done there.

Anyway, this is a continuation of my ongoing vendetta against both Heidi Klum dressing badly and inexplicable sheer paneling in dresses.

Here’s the thing: half the point of clothing is that it covers and provides warmth, and when it doesn’t do that, it looks stylish.  There’s nothing stylish about a big missing chunk, which is what this is.  It’s covered up by some illusion netting, but Heidi Klum, who gets to shout at people on a weekly basis about their designs being bad, wore this:

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