Suri Cruise Is Five And Dresses Better Than Her Mother

It’s kind of impressive, when you think about Magic Scientology Baby having superior fashion sense to her mother.  MSB is five, nearly six, and usually looks adorable, if miserable, in public.

Of course, I’d probably be miserable if there were always flashbulbs going off in my face and all I wanted to do was go have a nap or play with my Barbies, but that’s beside the point.  MSB looks adorable.

Katie Holmes, on the other hand, continues to prove why Go Fug Yourself loves (if by “loves,” I mean “loves to mock,” and I do) her so very much.  She consistently dresses like a hobo or a crazy person or both, yet she is a rich and famous person who is married to another extremely rich and famous person and probably has a stylist.  Of course, her stylist has probably committed suicide at the train of shitshow outfits she’s gone about in.

Poor MSB looks sad.
Katie Holmes has CRAZY EYES and CRAZY CLOTHES!

First things first.  Those brown booties are peep-toes, which is absurd enough. But that jumpsuit?  Holy. Shit. Balls.

I seriously want to know which lunatic in the fashion industry thought, “Yes.  That is exactly what we need.  Enormous jumpsuits in loud patterns.”  And then I am going to write them a letter that says, “Thank you for providing me endless material to laugh at.  Were you trolling the fashion industry, or do you actually think patterned jumpsuits look good on anyone?  If you do, what the HELL are you smoking!?”  And then I will sit here, laughing while I mock Katie Holmes’ tragic patterned outfit.

Also, did she steal the cardigan from her grandmother?  Tom’s?  She loves that thing, and it is TRAGIC.

And at least she isn’t wearing her weird-ass fedora in this picture.  Seriously.  When it comes to fedoras, there are a few important questions to ask yourself.  “Is it Halloween?  Am I trying to evoke the 1940s for some reason?  Am I Indiana Jones?” If the answer is “no” to ANY of these, PUT THE FEDORA DOWN.

While looking around People’s website for other pictures to laugh at, I saw an article on floral pants being a thing.  Fuck. That. Noise. Give me a normal pair of trousers or a nice skirt, not a floral explosion pant.  Even Beyonce can’t pull it off.

A Few Thoughts On Wedding Finery

Welcome to springtime.  If you are a twenty-something, as I am, you are probably about to spend the next six months or so going to various friends and relations’ weddings.  This can be anywhere from irritating to awesome, depending on how well you know the couple, how good the DJ is, and how open the bar is.  However, as a guest at a wedding, being properly attired is paramount, because nothing will irritate a bride more than an obnoxiously dressed guest.

So, a few pointers about weddings.

1.) Figure out what the dress code is.  If you show up in a full tux/evening gown and everyone else is in jeans, you may be overdressed and therefore embarrassing.  The opposite is even more mortifying.

2.) There is a time and a place to dress like a tramp.  That time and place is not your friend/relative/person’s wedding; it is when you are out dancing at some club that probably has misspelled half its name.  For instance, if stairs are going to be problematic due to the hemline, leave the dress in the closet until you are out trying to get laid by some dudebro wearing enough Axe to choke a donkey.

3.) The wedding is not about you.  It is about the bride and groom, so anything showy and obnoxious is grounds for some serious frowny faces from the couple.  I provide an example below.

This is at a WEDDING RECEPTION.

Okay.  It is one thing to have a backless dress, and one thing to have a partially backless dress that is increasingly confusing.  Now, I realize that “cutouts” are supposedly in if you are Rooney Mara or some other useless Hollywood type who has a 24 inch waist and the hips of a ten year old boy.  If you are a real person, they are just weird missing swathes of fabric.  And that dress has quite a bit going on for being monochromatic.  There’s the inexplicably missing chunk out the back, the random straps, the off the shoulder bits, etc.

If I were the bride in that wedding (and hadn’t had my dress homemade, thus negating all taste commentary), I would be side-eyeing that bitch so very hard.

So, next time you think “hmmm, I think I will wear my tiny/ugly/cutout-ridden dress to that wedding I have to go to,” think again, and wear a sensible skirt or dress that doesn’t show off unnecessary body parts.

I Don’t Know What Street This Street Fashion Is From

Whenever I see the words “Street Fashion,” I always kind of cringe, because I know that it is in no way relevant to what people actually wear.  The phrase implies that it is the normal fashion, or at least the more watered down version of high fashion.

Street Fashion, at least lately, appears to be full of people who take anything that’s been shown on the runway and SLAM IT ALL TOGETHER.

This is not the worst example. It's just the one Vogue pieced together.

Vogue’s latest idea, propagated by some of the nuttier members of the fashion industry, is that we all love patterns, even on our pants.  The louder the better, really.  In fact, take the loud pattern, slam it against another loud pattern, then “clash it with an equally wild shoe.”  OH OKAY.  I’m really going to take advice that actually uses the word “clash” in reference to anything other than the band. Or, you know, not doing it.

Can we also talk about the fact that those pants are like $400?  Who spends that much money to look that crazy?!

http://www.vogue.com/guides/the-social-shopper-march-24-2012/

For the record, all of those trousers are truly atrocious.  I fully intend to photograph and mock ANYONE I see running around in loudly printed pants.  This is another fashion trend I am going to consciously reject and brand a BAD FAD.  Seriously.  In five years, we will look bad at these pictures and go “Good lord, we were crazy.  Why did we WEAR that shit?!”

I’m trying to figure out why I hate this trend so much.  The simple answer is that it’s butt fucking ugly and fashion keeps trying to shove it in our faces (I’m looking at you, Stella McCartney.).

Either way, it’s unlikely I’m going to change what I’m wearing.  I’ve thought about buying an ankle-length pair of pants but have decided that in ten years I’ll look at the picture and wonder where the flood was.  I’d rather stay boring and consistent than on trend and look like I got attacked by Marni for H&M.

Baffling Hairdo, Questionable Tattoo Decisions, And More!

I would have included this with yesterday’s neurotic entry, but with the addition of a questionably placed tattoo, a terrible jacket, and all around atrocious decisions, I decided it needed to be a bit more special.

I can’t really sum this up. So here it is.

That tattoo is a full color "COEXIST" like is usually seen on bumper stickers. Sorry it's hard to see.

First, let’s talk about the haircut. It’s vaguely spikey on top, but then shaved close, and then completely shaved off so we can see that spectacular tattoo.  I don’t even.  What a tragic haircut.  It’s like a bad crew cut got in a fight with a bottle of gel.  Which brings me to the tattoo.

JESUS CHRIST.  That tattoo.  I don’t even.  I don’t mind tattoos.  Both of my siblings have tattoos.  But you AVOID THE HEAD, FACE, AND NECK unless you want to look like 1) Mike Tyson, 2) someone in a gang, or 3) A CRAZY PERSON.  There is a small exception area, behind the ear, which is rather more subtle and therefore popular.  But head tattoos?

Face tattoos are only good for trying to prove you're crazy.

So, all said, I don’t really care what your head tattoo says, it is a bad decision that you will have to live with unless you have the cash for removal.  She will be stuck with COEXIST plastered onto the back of her head for the foreseeable future and therefore that haircut.

Look at your life.  Look at your choices.

And get it together.

The rest of the outfit is generically tragic and does not bear mentioning except with disgust.  Ugh.  She went out in public like that.  What the hell.

A Baffling Coiffure Damages Eyeballs

For only the third time on this blog, I have decided to take issue with a gentleman’s sense of style.  I don’t complain about men (in terms of their dress) often, but I have my reasons.

Generally speaking, this is due to the fact that guys have it easier.  Fashion doesn’t change as much for men, and since they don’t give as much of a crap, they don’t go out in outfits/styles that are truly baffling.  A suit is a suit (unless it’s in a funky color), and jeans and tshirts will never be grossly unfortunate to look at, no matter how idiotic the phrase on the tshirt is.  I will judge you if you have “HA, NOW YOU CAN’T SEE ME” on a camo shirt, but not to the same bitchy extent as the crime of wearing tights in lieu of pants or sparkly Uggs.

However, when men go off the rails, they do have a tendency to do so dramatically.

I present evidence below:

Jesus Christ. He has two mohawks. Is that a thing??

Knee-jerk reaction: “OH MY GOD, WHAT IS GOING ON WITH HIS HAIR.”  I don’t think it’s super obvious in this picture, but there are a pair of spiked up bits running down either side of his head.  It’s like the Pointy Haired Boss from Dilbert, but more insane, since it goes the WHOLE WAY down his head.

Look! It is basically the same!

Maybe I’m generalizing.

Nope.  I keep looking at it, and it is quite literally one of the worst things I’ve seen.  What really grinds my gears about it is that he clearly thinks it looks cool.  Therein lies my problem with it.  I’m more tolerant of sloppy dressing because that just shows cluelessness.  That hairdo took serious work.  He had to make that happen, style it to be pointy-ish instead of having racing stripes across his head, and think, “Damn, I look good/cool/baller/like a badass.”  He is incorrect.

Obviously, this is what I find so offensive in fashion.  I am much less horrified by someone who looks trashy from lack of effort than someone who has gone to trouble to look like crap.  It’s why I have so much of a problem presently with high fashion.  Vogue has recently resulted only in me shaking my head in despair at the state of things instead of lusting after gorgeous and insanely expensive pieces.

Problematic for fashion, but amazing for me.

Quite obviously, I’m torn between love and hate for disasters on this scale.  They crack me up, but it makes me sad.  I really wish I didn’t have enough material to be able to blog every weekday for almost two full months with no signs of slowing down.  But people persist in dressing spectacularly badly on every social level, and I think it’s an epidemic that must be mocked, if not stopped.

Right?

So, that’s my rant for the day.  Going to a gun show and seeing a bunch of trashy hicks and otherwise atrociously dressed people has caused me a more than average amount of distress, particularly when coupled with a Vogue article about loudly patterned everything being a trendy thing to do.

That’s all.