Once Again Vogue Blows My Mind

In a bad way.

http://www.vogue.com/fashion/10-best-dressed/10-best-dressed-february-27/

It’s the best dressed lists I tend to take issue with, and with this one, there is a spectacular unifying factor to all of the outfits I find problematic: Marni for H&M.

What are you doing, Felicity Jones?

I’m going to go ahead and say RIGHT HERE that these are my opinions, and the following is largely a matter of taste. I tend to dress fairly plainly.  My favorite outfit for a nice evening out is a black blouse and skirt with nude tights and heels with pearls.  So, sometimes when trends feature ridiculous patterns, I tend to get really turned off.  I don’t like Missoni, M or For Target! or otherwise.  Basically, anything too busy? Not for me.

That being said, if I’m gathering correctly from the launch of Marni for H&M, the brand seems to consist entirely of taking weird prints and pairing them with weirder prints.  And I’ve seen this other places in Vogue as well.  It seems like the fashion industry as a whole is saying, “GO! Cover yourself from top to toe in loud prints, because that will make you look FASHION FORWARD, not ridiculous!”  The best–if by best I mean most appalling, and I do–looks are really when it’s ALL ONE LOUD ASS PRINT, causing my eyeballs to explode in horror.

Sofia. I am disappoint.

Side note, I don’t know if it’s the fabric, or the flash from the cameras, but damn that fabric looks like it might actually be plastic.  I also object to the ankle length pants, since we are not in a flood, but that’s really the tip of the iceberg in this mess.

So you believe me that it’s not just the best dressed lists or Marni being all wackadoodle, I will now provide pictorial proof of Lara Stone in a matching bag, blouse, and skirt, all Nina Ricci in a Vogue spread.  Is she also wearing a matching hat????

Why, Nina Ricci?? Your clothes are normally so amazing!

I also don’t like loud print on different loud print.  Fuck this trend.  I refuse.  Who’s with me?

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Go Fire Your Stylist

Welcome to part 2 of my Bitchy Oscar Fashion Post!

Today I will discuss dresses that were just BAD.  We’re talking unflattering silhouettes, weird color choices, the lot.

There are a couple of offenders here who really went above and beyond, and for whatever reason, even made “best dressed” lists because apparently some fashion editors are blind.

That CUT. AUGH.

 

Apparently, having an inexplicably sheer long bit of the rest of the skirt is “in” right now, but let’s all face facts, it looks ridiculous.  It particularly looks ridiculous when it comes in that insanely tight right before it flows out.  The ruching is also tragic, and that swoop of fabric going up into the one, floppy shoulder?  I’m just confused by the whole thing.

Now, she’s been put on a few best lists, which I think is 100% because apparently the silk for her dress is from something really intense, like “cruelty-free silkworms.”  If that’s true, brilliant, but maybe don’t be cruel to the product by making it into that seafoam monstrosity.

 

The dress looks like a garbage bag in every way.

I should mention that I hate taffeta.  But this color grey?  That level of wrinkling?  See the caption.  The cut is also appalling, and if I weren’t horrified by the color, I’d just be bored.

 

The color is SO LOUD.

The cut isn’t great, and the wide shoulder just looks weird cutting across her boob.  Also, the hairdo looks CRAZY.  Go back to the 80s, and this would be fantastic.  Now?  Just wack.

 

There were a few others I didn’t necessarily care for, but overall, I thought the red carpet was fairly strong.  Already looking forward to next year on that front.

Who Said Sequins Were Classy?

So, I love the Academy Awards.

I particularly love the fashion that it inspires and all the crazy couture that gets worn.  I love watching the red carpet, seeing the incredible designs ripped straight from the runway.

That said, there were some really bad decisions, which will keep me in blog posts for the foreseeable future.

Before I rip anyone to shreds (not that they will care, since they probably don’t read my blog), I’d like to comment briefly on who was amazing.

Jessica Chastain in Alexander McQueen was breathtaking, Penelope Cruz was old Hollywood FLAWLESS, Emma Stone was soooo chic (but I agree with Jezebel, the dress looks SO much like Nicole Kidman’s Balenciaga from ’07), and Meryl Streep is and will forever be a goddess. I also couldn’t get over Gwyneth Paltrow’s dress and cape, which were fucking perfect. The list of people I loved is much, much longer than the list of people who annoyed me with their sartorial decisions, and so I’m going to stop trying to name them all.

That being said, I now have some thoughts about the ridiculous number of ugly sequined dresses that found their way onto the red carpet.

I don’t know what it is about sequins that make some people think “ooooh, it’s FANCY,” but they might be wrong. I mean, yes, there is a way to wear sequins and look like a boss; Colin Firth wore a Tom Ford sequined tuxedo to the Met Costume Gala.  I provide photographic proof of this because there is no such thing as too much Colin Firth.

Look at those sequins. WHAT A BOSS.

Obviously, I don’t have a problem with sequins inherently, but adding them to an unflattering silhouette or inappropriate dress does not make it suddenly a-okay.  I’m looking at you, Melissa Leo and Rose Byrne.

She appears to be wearing an oversized sparkly tshirt. WHAT. Credit to Getty Images.

Why is it so tight at the ankles? Why does it look so unflattering? I DON'T UNDERSTAND. Credit to Getty Images.

I seriously don’t get it. Sequins do not improve a dress, particularly not those dresses. I actually don’t know which dress annoys me more, but they’re both ugly. Minus 1000, both of you. Anna Faris is also guilty, having worn a dress that is 100% black sequins. Boring and sequined. I am disappoint, ladies.

TOMORROW: More Oscar Goodness Sartorial Lunacy!

This Dude Has Plaid Pants

Two days in a row, I’ve got guys dressing like complete lunatics, although as my cousin termed it, this falls more in the category of “misguided scene kid.”

She may still chastise me for not knowing my subsets of vaguely or extremely counter culture fashion movements, but because I am a mainstream consumer whore, I don’t know these things or the differences between them.

Either way, this dude is wearing plaid, skintight pants.

Holy God, those pants. I don't even.

I have a problem with this because plaid pants are only appropriate on the golf course ironically or in 1975.

This is neither.

They also, theoretically, should not be so tight as to be mistaken for leggings or tights.  Even on a golf course in 1975. Robert Plant’s jeans weren’t even that tight, and you could tell if he stuffed.

Save my eyeballs, and wear some real trousers.

As an extended sidenote, I don’t have a problem with dressing atypically.  Stereotypes and cultural norms should be challenged, and fashion is an ever-evolving industry.  But there are some silhouettes and dress styles that will always look good, and some trends that will always be unfortunate looking.  Consider how you are presenting yourself to the world with how you dress, because it really does matter.  I am not the only asshole shallow enough to judge you based on your clothes, and I’m not remotely the most influential.

I almost continued this with a rant about how fashion is wearable art, but no one needs to read my ramblings about how much I love fashion.  It boiled down to: dress in a way that suits your body that meets your own personal beauty (hotness, for guys???) aesthetics.

The Male Hot Mess. I Don’t Even.

Okay, confession time.  This is not a fad.  It is nothing resembling a fad.  It’s just bad.

It’s also a landmark moment, because this is the first guy to make the cut!  Unfortunately, I couldn’t capture the worst of it in action, but it does feature prominently here.  So I’m going to break the picture down into chunks for our enjoyment before showing you the spectacular whole.

First off, we have the beautiful, if by beautiful you mean ridiculous Bond villain, sideburns.

N asked me if his sideburns were star shaped. I was sad that they're just pointy.

Is this a trend?  Is this a thing?  I mean, I don’t know if it’s in outside of period villains. He clearly thinks he is an enormous badass, and maybe he is.  I was worried about getting beat up if he realized I was actually taking his picture to put online and mock. That said, I have no idea what in the actual fuck he was thinking of.  That clearly took work to achieve, and it looks WEIRD.  He’s got hair pointing toward his nose as if that is a good thing.  I think it’s an INSANE thing.

Our next amazing piece of his look?  The driving/golf/tough guy gloves:

Gloves belong in the singular on the golf course. Anything else is ridiculous.

No.  You are not that tough/cool/on the golf course.  Give the gloves back to whatever hapless middle aged man you stole them from, and consider not looking ridiculous.  Also, any and all clothing bought at Hot Topic should be considered atrocious in every way.

But here, of course, is what caused my jaw to drop the first time I saw this Dude In The Cafeteria walk by.

What is that, you ask? That is either a cell phone or a gameboy. I don't know which.

That is either a cell phone or a game boy.  It’s attached to a piece of PVC pipe, and he wears it around his wrist like some sort of communicator bullshit.  It doesn’t really go with his faux tough-guy demeanor, and it doesn’t really go with the Hot Topic nonsense.  Let’s also appreciate that it’s probably supposed to look super cool and futuristic, and it looks like a piece of PVC with some electrical tape and a cell phone on it.

I’d appreciate thoughts in the comments re: what in the actual fuck he is thinking of.

I’ve got nothing.

So here, for your viewing pleasure, is the full hot mess.

The rare and beautiful male hot mess!

EDIT: sorry for the delay in posting this, I’m not sure why it didn’t update on schedule.